The Leafs Nation got inside info from a source*, an Uber driver in Toronto, who escorted six Leafs players, believed to be Auston Matthews, Mitch Marner, Morgan Rielly, Zach Hyman, Connor Brown, and Travis Dermott. This is the recorded conversation, with no details left out. The source wished to be kept anonymous, in order to avoid any public shaming and ridicule.
*the source is my imagination
Leafs players enter Uber vehicle.
Driver: “Hello, my name is Bill, I’ll be your Uber driver tonight.”
Matthews: “I don’t remember asking.”
Rielly: “Don’t mind him, he gets a bit snappy after a loss.”
Matthews: “It’s worse when I’m not playing either, watching you guys play like s*** because apparently this team forgets how to play when I’m not in.”
Marner: “Well, if you weren’t the second coming of Lupes and didn’t get hurt anytime some touched you, maybe you wouldn’t be in the press box so much.”
Matthews: “Still, you guys can’t win without me. F***, we’re paying Johnny $11 million, and all he’s been is OK. I better be getting league max if that’s the case.”
Marner: “Yeah, I better get $10 million or something like that.”
Driver: “What about that Nylander guy?”
Players look confused.
Driver: “Like, what do you think he should make?”
Hyman: “That lazy Swede? He’d be lucky if he gets $6 million out of this charade he’s pulling.”
Rielly: “Maybe if Babs didn’t make us do stretch passes and chip & chase hockey all the time, we might actually be playing like the Cup contenders, and not have to worry about money.”
Brown: “Hey, I like playing chip and chase.”
Matthews: “Stop trying to fit in Browner. You’re a coaches pet, don’t even try to defend him.”
Rielly: “Like, what does Babs expect our blueline to do with this system. Ronny can’t make a pass to save his life.”
Marner: “I’ve seen pylons play better hockey than him this season.”
Dermott: “I don’t get how he’s still on the top pair. My shot differentials are way better than his.”
Team looks at Dermott, just as the vehicle is getting cut off.
Driver: *curses in Swedish*
Matthews: “You good Bill?”
Driver: “Toronto drivers, eh?”
Hyman: “Who else should we s*** talk? We’re in a private vehicle, and obviously aren’t being recorded, so let’s keep spilling the tea.”
Dermott: “I hate bloggers.”
Matthews: “F***, tell me about it. They try and create some of the weirdest narratives.”
Brown: “Like how they think that Johnsson should be above me in the lineup.”
Rielly: “Or that I’m ‘terrible in my own end'”.
Marner: “You wanna hear something crazy I saw? Some blogger named Ian Graph wrote an article about how Freddy the Goat is having a great start the season. He doesn’t even have a point!”
Dermott: “I’m pretty sure his name isn’t Ian Graph, Mitch.”
Marner: “Just give me a sec, I’ll find him.”
Car comes to a stop.
Driver: “We have arrived.”
Matthews: “This is Willy’s house, why are we here?”
Driver: “Well, that’s because-”
Driver removes mask.
Nylander: “-I am Willy.”
Matthews: “Holy s***, Willy, it’s been a while.”
Nylander: “I don’t wanna hear it. I’m sick and tired of this city, and all the stupid clickbait articles about how I should be traded, and how I’m a terrible teammate for holding out. They don’t know the truth. They don’t know how unreasonable Dubas has been. They don’t know s***!”
Nylander pulls out a cell phone.
Nylander: “And I’m finally going to get what I want!”
Nylander dials, and after a few rings, it’s answered.
Nylander: “Hey Kyle, how’s it going?”
Dubas: “Willy? Why are you calling, it must be late in Sweden right now.”
Nylander: “Here’s the thing Kyle. I’m not in Sweden. I’m currently in Toronto, with a few familiar faces. Say hello boys.”
Boys: “Hey Kyle.”
Nylander: “And I currently have them trapped in this van, and they aren’t getting out until I get my $8 million.”
Dubas: “And what if I still don’t budge?”
Nylander cocks gun.
Nylander: “Well then, looks like I’m going to have to start making some cap space to help you out, starting with Zach.”
Babcock, audibly in background: “Noooooooooo, give him his money!”
Dubas: “Shut up, Mike!”
There’s a long pause as Dubas thinks.
Dubas: “Fine Willy, we’ll give you the contract you want.”
Nylander: “Excellent, pleasure doing business with you.”
Nylander hangs up the phone.
Rielly: “WHAT THE F*** WILLY!”
Nylander: “Thanks guys, I couldn’t have done this without you.”
Matthews: “Guess who I’m not passing to anymore.”
Long, awkward silence as Nylander drives the team home.
Marner: “TWO LOCK, the guys name was Ian Two Lock!”