John Tavares is a snake. Hockey Twitter knows it; Hockey Reddit knows it.
If you’ve been on the internet since July 1st, 2018, then you know it too.
After all, would anybody but the snakiest of snakes spurn the wonderful, flawless and always-competitive New York Hockey Islanders for a chance to play in Smelly Toronto for Auston Matthsnooze and the Toronto Maple Laughs? Methinks the answer is no. But that’s a bygone conversation, since the verdict has long since been given. Tavares is a snake, through and through.
What has yet to be examined is exactly what kind of snake John Tavares is. Whether a product of irresponsible journalism on the part of reeling Islanders fans or a lack of opportunistic journalism here in Leaf Land, we at Maple Leafs Nation are here to proudly proclaim once and for all…
John Tavares Is A Copperhead Snake.
What’s our rationale, you ask? Let’s all slither a little deeper into some #analysis on the situation, and examine all of the characteristics that make John Tavares the perfect Copperhead Snake.
The above diagram clearly illustrates the contrast between John Tavares’ neck and his visibly distinct and broader head. Needless to say, even back in the day when Tavares was an Islander, he was already making a pretty convincing case for being the snake we in Leaf Land have all come to love.
Here is John Tavares in a great position on the ice against the Philadelphia Flyers, waiting for noted suitable prey Sean Coutourier to try and strip the puck from him. He then proceeds to make Coutourier look silly, completely ambushing the Flyer centerman en route to setting up a beautiful game-winning goal for a team he no longer plays for.
Talk about snakey. A pure Copperhead move if I’ve ever seen one.
We ran the numbers, and found that October occurs during the fall, and April during the Spring. Are you really trying to suggest it’s purely coincidence that John Tavares is most active at the exact same time as a copperhead snake? Please.
Quiet, you say? Low-key?
If any non-believers remain at this point, I’d look no further than this perfect mix of Tavare’s aforementioned on-ice habits combined with his off-ice nature. The truth is not only out there; it’s right in front of our eyes.
Still Not Convinced?
Lurking. In. The. Lea(f)s.
Denial will get you nowhere. Johnny Copperhead is here, and you’d better believe he’s the best snake around.
Sorry, Islanders fans. He’s slithered into our top six now.