The woes of being a (Leafs) fan means thinking about the big picture/the future/building a dynasty. There’s a lot of handwringing over what Toronto will do in the first round of the upcoming draft. This is the chance to make some good moves and cement a new era. But let’s look ahead even more – to when column inches are no longer filled with think pieces on millennials and I’ve maybe clawed out of student debt. Here’s a glimpse at what we’ll see at the draft in 2033.
Honestly, this should be made into a bingo card.
This list was composed by scanning the popular baby names of 2015 and my all around knowledge of pop culture. Let us begin.
3. Ziggy Stardust
Celebrity deaths are a real bummer – with the passing of David Bowie and Prince, surely their legacy will live on with parents naming their kiddo after a music icon. And that kid will pick up a hockey stick and score goals that look like how the opening of When Doves Cry sounds.
He’s everyone’s favourite soft-bro. Did you seem him dress as Beyonce on Lip Sync Battle? people of all kinds exclaim breathlessly. Did you know he used to be a dancer and based Magic Mike on that? hushed voices say with dripping scandal.
5a. Mike – with the obvious nickname being Magic.
5b. later called Pony or Ginuwine Pony – the team insists it is representative of what a workhorse the player is. But there will be a report there who KNOWS, who REMEMBERS the elation of seeing Magic Mike XXL in theaters.
5c. Caine Wise – Channing played a rollerblading albino space werewolf who wanted to help the queen through space DMV in order to secure her space kingdom and possibly save the bees. I was one of five people who loved this movie.
6. Barry Allen
We’re going to the green place. Where our talent thrives and grows and our cultivation yields a bountiful crop of victories.
11. Doof Warrior
14. Clooney – Their parents will have fond memories of watching Ocean’s 11 letterbox format on DVD. Their grandparents remember watching Out of Sight on VHS. Old school broadcaster anoints a Clooney “Doc” for saving the team in a game 7 overtime.
14. Phasma – Also happens to be shiny and chrome.
17. Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye
Ahw, penalty. No.
16. Pizza Rat
T’Challa’s a force to be reckoned with in the pipes. Wait, just imagine a lil goalie with a mask that has the Black Panther on it, who is small and scrappy, and their team calls them Kitten just to be annoying. ISN’T THAT SO CUTE. T’Challa is gonna be on the Vezina. Above is actually future game footage of T’Challa preserving a shutout.
24. Voldemort – they’re taking it back, ok?
28. Ben Wyatt
30. Wade – they sing Careless Whisper while in the penalty box.
James Tiberius Kirk
32. Rami – Mr Robot is the best defenseman the West has seen in five years. Also might be a hacker????
33. Zayn – if the hockey career doesn’t stick, they’ve got a lot of offers to be a model
36. Raylan Givens
38. Foggy Nelson
39. Bluetooth Speaker