39 or So Names Sure To Be In The 2033 NHL Draft Pool

The woes of being a (Leafs) fan means thinking about the big picture/the future/building a dynasty. There’s a lot of handwringing over what Toronto will do in the first round of the upcoming draft. This is the chance to make some good moves and cement a new era. But let’s look ahead even more – to when column inches are no longer filled with think pieces on millennials and I’ve maybe clawed out of student debt. Here’s a glimpse at what we’ll see at the draft in 2033. 

Honestly, this should be made into a bingo card. 

This list was composed by scanning the popular baby names of 2015 and my all around knowledge of pop culture. Let us begin.

1. Bowie

2. Starman

3. Ziggy Stardust

4. Prince

Celebrity deaths are a real bummer – with the passing of David Bowie and Prince, surely their legacy will live on with parents naming their kiddo after a music icon. And that kid will pick up a hockey stick and score goals that look like how the opening of When Doves Cry sounds. 

5. Channing 

He’s everyone’s favourite soft-bro. Did you seem him dress as Beyonce on Lip Sync Battle? people of all kinds exclaim breathlessly. Did you know he used to be a dancer and based Magic Mike on that? hushed voices say with dripping scandal. 

5a. Mike – with the obvious nickname being Magic.

5b. later called Pony or Ginuwine Pony – the team insists it is representative of what a workhorse the player is. But there will be a report there who KNOWS, who REMEMBERS the elation of seeing Magic Mike XXL in theaters.

5c. Caine Wise  – Channing played a rollerblading albino space werewolf who wanted to help the queen through space DMV in order to secure her space kingdom and possibly save the bees. I was one of five people who loved this movie. 

6. Barry Allen

7. Sebastian 

8. Furiosa 

We’re going to the green place. Where our talent thrives and grows and our cultivation yields a bountiful crop of victories. 

9. Max

10. Nuxx

11. Doof Warrior 

12. Kylo  Anakin

13. Rey

14. Clooney – Their parents will have fond memories of watching Ocean’s 11 letterbox format on DVD. Their grandparents remember watching Out of Sight on VHS. Old school broadcaster anoints a Clooney “Doc” for saving the team in a game 7 overtime. 

13. Finn

14. Phasma – Also happens to be shiny and chrome. 

15. Poe

16.  Bucky

17. Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye


Ahw, penalty. No. 

16. Pizza Rat

17. Rhodey

18. T’Challa

T’Challa’s a force to be reckoned with in the pipes. Wait, just imagine a lil goalie with a mask that has the Black Panther on it, who is small and scrappy, and their team calls them Kitten just to be annoying. ISN’T THAT SO CUTE. T’Challa is gonna be on the Vezina. Above is actually future game footage of T’Challa preserving a shutout.

19. Oscar

20. Gluten-free

21. Skarsgaard

22. Subban

23. Hamilton

24. Voldemort – they’re taking it back, ok? 

25. Kadri

26. Tyrion

27. Crosby 

28. Ben Wyatt

29. Quinoa

30. Wade – they sing Careless Whisper while in the penalty box.

31. Chris

  31a. Pratt

          Star Lord

          Peter Quill

          Andy Dwyer

          Burt Macklin

          Mr. Snakehole

  31b. Evans

          Captain America

          Lucas Lee

          Johnny Storm


  31c. Pine

          James Tiberius Kirk

  31d. Hemsworth


32. Rami – Mr Robot is the best defenseman the West has seen in five years. Also might be a hacker????

33. Zayn – if the hockey career doesn’t stick, they’ve got a lot of offers to be a model

34. Kale

35. Knowles

36. Raylan Givens

37. Michonne

38. Foggy Nelson

39. Bluetooth Speaker