my column: december 15


Hey guys welcome to my column, the only column that is mine.

Lots to talk about right now so let’s do it. 

Nelson Mandela

I’m coming in hot on this one guys. Don’t even get me started on this story. I have never been so disappointed in an athlete – and of all the athletes, it had to be a Toronto Maple Leaf. I’m embarrassed.

Jonathan Bernier makes millions of dollars a year. He has a social responsibility to show to young children that idolize him that social issues are important. Plus, he’s good looking. He has nice hair. He’s 26. He seems like he is educated. He is also a human being, and when you are a human being, you should know who important historical figures are and why they are important. Especially when the person you are talking about put others above himself and showed total selflessness to help others.
I’m sorry guys, I’m just really upset about this. I keep asking myself HOW?? HOW doesn’t Jonathan Bernier know who the host of Deal or No Deal is??

Toronto Vs Dallas

Hey remember when I really liked the Dallas Stars coming into this season and thought they were going to be great? Me neither. It never happened. Which is good, because they have scored 85 goals and allowed 103 against. On the other hand, the Leafs have scored 103 goals and allowed 85. They are literally the complete opposites. 
Let’s explore that further. Other ways in which they are opposites:
  • Toronto’s revenue is vital to the survival of the league. Dallas is one of the corpses that Toronto’s revenues keeps alive on a respirator. #PullThePlug if you ask me.
  • Dallas acquired Tyler Seguin via trade with the Boston Bruins. Toronto traded Tyler Seguin TO the Bruins.
  • Dave Nonis hasn’t been able to find a top line centre via trade in the last few years. Jim Nill has traded for two.
  • Stars fly high in the sky. Leafs fall to the ground.
But there is also one big similarity:
Jim Nill. Dave Nonis.
Really makes you think.

Introducing: Heimlich%

There has been a lot of talk about Wendel Clarkson and how he is “overpaid” ever since he got here. I think that is unfair. He is a professional athlete and if I know anything, it is that professional athletes are not overpaid. 

But for sake of argument, let’s look at his comparable$: David Krejci, and James Neal. That’s an ok list, but I’d still take David Clarkson over any of them. I have never seen any of those guys show that they have the backs of their teammates. I have read Twitter and have seen that James Neal is a bad teammate, and David Krejci is a Euro.

With that in mind, I think it’s unfair that David’s contributions are largely intangible and thus not able to be measured. So I created Heimlich%, which does measure how much an NHL player is a true team player, which is the essence of playing on a team. Unlike other egotistical ~fancy stats~, I didn’t name Heimlich% after myself, I named it after an act of saving someone’s life. That’s true teamwork. 

The factors in the formula include:

  • how willing is he to get himself suspended to come to the aide of a teammate?
  • is he from Mimico?
  • did he take less money to play for his hometown team instead of going to Edmonton?
I haven’t fully flushed out the formula yet, but David Clarkson gets 100%.
Until next time,


  • jasken

    Jonathan Bernier makes millions of dollars a year. He has a social responsibility to show to young children that idolize him that social issues are important.

    utter nonsense.

    Bernier is his own man. He has signed a contract to play goal for the Leafs and he is good at that.

    In such a competitive NHL and him finally on the verge of achieving this goal (to become a stating #1 NHL goalie) -I’m sure to get this far
    relative to others he has had to focus and live in a hockey bubble.

    I do not expect philosophers to play hockey, If your using Bernier’s fame to support charity, I would say that it is the Leafs PR media relations to make sure he is not put in an embarrassing situation.

    I’m sure you have put your foot in your mouth a few times as has everyone, aspiring media who want to cover the Leafs should not be trying to embarrass
    the Home town #1 goalie.

    Toronto players have enough to deal with trying to beat their opponents
    “diehard by definition” Leaf fans should not be trying to undermining and distracting our stars.

    judge not less thee be judged comes to mind.

  • jasken

    10 days later and still beating the dead horse!! You cant talk about all that talent that dallas has and battling for mcdavid sweepstakes. Fact oilers fired Dallas Eakins, How Kadri has really improved this season or the fact amazingly the leafs are 9-1-1 since getting whipped 9-2. You go with a nice little statement that lost its humor a week ago.

    Your upkeep is like that kid that tells the same jokes everyone else heard weeks prior and he is the only laughing at them.

  • jasken

    How exactly are those 2 “top line centers” helping their team exactly when their 9 points out of a wild card in a hard division. Well maybe sometime in next few years might help them