Four More Leafs With Hidden Talents


So it turns out that everybody’s Estonian-Born, Russian Hockey playing Finn can play a mean keyboard. Recent Leafs returnee Leo Komarov was recorded by fellow Finn Petri Kontiola, wreaking havoc to the electronic piano’s poor keys. He’s actually quite good, as you can see on Kontiola’s instagram. But it makes you wonder, what other talents are hidden within the Leafs organization?


Frazer McLaren, Chessmaster

When not hitting the ice as one of the most valued players of the Maple Leafs, it turns out that McLaren is a tactician on the black and white board of squares. “I’ve always had an appreciation for pawns”, said McLaren to TLN’s Investigative Reporter of Serious Matters, Jeff Veilledde. “People don’t put much stock into them due to their low point value, but they’re fearless. They go into the dirty areas and are willing to protect their Queens and Kings. If you get rival ones close together, they can fight in ways that people today just don’t appreciate.”

McLaren has successfully defeated Chess-playing supercomputer Deep Blue on sixteen non-consecutive occasions, and holds a 4-6 record on Yahoo Chess.


David Clarkson, Mad Scientist

Joe Juneau may be the most famous NHL player with the proper education to get into the scientific field, but Clarkson has devoted his free time and excess money into all sorts of research. Some of Clarkson’s projects are nefarious; he’s currently working on turning Mimico, Ontario into an Earth-orbiting asteroid, for example. But the Leafs Right Winger is also working on beneficial projects as well; including the ability to prevent personal attraction to others, live-altering of gravity in the event of one’s rapid descention, and the extermination of the season of Autumn. 

Clarkson declined all comment on the matter, declaring that the entire story was fabricated before tripping over a test tube.


Mike Santorelli, World Class Chef

When the Leafs signed Mike Santorelli, they weren’t just getting a good possession player with two-way ability. They were also getting one of the true masters of the culinary arts.

“Our family story is an interesting one, actually. My Nonno was a young prodigy – he was able to inject nutritional value into any type of food you’d please. The Italian army was keen on this, not having much to work with, but needing their soldiers in shape.” Santorelli explained. “He was kidnapped by the Americans and left in Seattle to figure out a new life. Decades later, he traded a coffee recipe to his neighbours in exchange for assistance in sneaking into Canada.”

While not playing, Santorelli is developing two items for the team; a smoothie that helps encourage compete level (his Truculyte powder, originally developed for pasta sauce, has been a huge help), and a low calorie, high protein chocolate chip cookie for Phil Kessel to have as a regular snack.


Dion Phaneuf, Computer Engineer

The Leafs captain often gets compared to a caveman by his detractors, but as it turns out, he’s actually quite intelligent. “I got my first computer before my first pair of skates”, said Dion. “I knew what a GUI was before I knew Goal Differential.” Phaneuf has quietly contributed to the development of several features we use on our devices today. The most famous of which was the pinch gesture to pan in and out of images on touch screens. This ended up being a mega-millions concept, but unfortunately, Dion was a bit too philanthropic about it.

“The way I saw it, I was about to make a lot of money in the National Hockey League. Besides, nobody expected the iPhone to be that popular.” said the left-handed defenceman. “So, I did what I thought was best; I gave the code away.”

Phaneuf is currently working on a time management application for mobile devices, but it’s still away from release. Apparently, it won’t allow you to do anything for less than 25 minutes at a time.


BONUS: Randy Carlyle, Statistician

Oh, who are we kidding.