I Choose Who?


For the second consecutive day, the header photo of my article is probably much more important than the actual post. In any event, I was messaged on AskFM (my inbox is overflowing with questions at the moment, but I want to space out full-on mailbags a bit) a few days ago, specifically asking the most important hockey question I’ve ever received.

Which Pokémon would you want playing for the Leafs?

Let’s try to nail this one down.

First and foremost, we need to consider the conditions that this game is played on. Hockey, of course, is played on ice. Many Pokemon types would either succomb to or destroy the rink, and as such, we need to weed out non-Ice Types.

According to Bulbapedia (which, for my money, is one of the single greatest resources on the planet), there are thirteen pure ice type Pokemon, eleven half-primary, and fourteen half-secondary. That’s a total of thirty eight potential Pokemon to add to the Leafs roster, which is probably the amount of forwards they’ll have on the roster by Tuesday at this rate.

While we’ve already wiped out 681 of 719, there’s a way to make this list shorter. The Toronto Maple Leafs are a team with a lot of history, and pride themselves as being an Original 6 organization. By being around longer and spending more time in everybody’s memories, this automatically makes them better than all the other teams out there. Most believe this to be the same when it comes to Pokemon, so we’ll use the original 151. If you disagree, well, one of the remake’s of the first gen was called Leaf Green, so it’s clearly destiny (just ignore the second half of the title). 

The list has now gone down to five. We have Dewgong (Water/Ice), Cloyster (Water/Ice), Lapras (Water/Ice), Jynx (Ice/Psychic), and Articuno (Ice/Flying).

All of these Pokemon have their advantages, but when you think about it, just one of them could be used to play hockey. Dewgong would flop around and die. Cloyster can’t move. Lapras also needs to swim, and as we know, leaving your feet is totally against the rules in the National Hockey League, so Articuno, as legendary as he is, is quite simply not an option.

This leaves us Jynx. While Jynx gets in via process of elimination, a “Guess Who?” style of choice rather than a Pokemon Battle, it also has a lot to bring to the Leafs roster. The Leafs want to get into teams heads; players like Leo Komarov and David Clarkson are examples of this. Their closest thing to an “identity” in the past few years was the pushing around and “getting into the heads” of their opponents.

Do you know what the best way to get into somebody’s head is? Psychic abilities. Jynx brings that as a half-psychic Pokemon. It’s move set? Don’t get me started. Wake-Up Slap. Mean Look. Fake Tears. Double Slap. Lick. Draining Kiss. Body Slam. ICE PUNCH.

Ice Punch. Are we sure that Jynx wasn’t a genetic creation, a-la Mewtwo? This is the Pokemon that Randy Carlyle has been waiting for.

It doesn’t stop there. Jynx is the fastest Ice-Type Pokemon of the original 151, and the 5th fastest Ice Pokemon overall. It’s Speed rating is 95. Go start up NHL 14 right now and find me a 95 in Speed. You won’t. Not even Phil Kessel. Jynx is faster than Phil Kessel.

Powerplay unit down? NO PROBLEM! Jynx is a 115 in Special Attack. That’s the fourth highest of any ice type, in any generation. Those are Ovechkin numbers. Special Defence of 95 as well, so Jynx can play on the Penalty kill as well.

Admittedly, Jynx’s 5 on 5 numbers are a little bad (50 Attack, 35 Defence, 65 HP), but that’s nothing that some Vitamins can’t fix. I’m aware that those Vitamins cost $9800 Pokedollars, but if anybody can afford them, it’s Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment.

In summation, the Leafs are looking for “the one”. Their Crosby, their Ovechkin, their Stamkos, their Tavares. Or their Weber or Subban, I guess. But little do they realize that with some creative thinking and a couple of Ultra Balls, the Leafs can scoop up a hidden Gem.


Might not be the best choice for the superstitious, though.

  • jasken

    nice read jeff

    You do need to research pokemon a little better though the best choice is not any of those but in fact ditto. It can change into any form and has their abilities ice pokemon does not necessarily mean best option.Since you pointed out all those nice centers and players having any one of them at will would be best bet

    • The issue, of course, is that when Ditto transforms, he has a few flaws.

      – Can’t take their level. Pretty useless being Sidney Crosby if you’re 9 year old Crosby in the NHL.

      – Only 5PP per move. You’d have to severely shelter their minutes.

      – Can’t take HP. Ditto starts pretty low, could be neutralized by sending an enforcer out to fight him. The other enforcer would win due to having the same stats but a higher capacity for being punched, and as such, Ditto could never gain EXP.

      The first and third points could be repaired by using Rare Candies but I don’t know if Nonis owns a Game Genie to duplicate them.

      • jasken

        I will address this 1 at a time Gen I right a level 44 ditto would be more then capable of changing into a crosby or any other player completely it has the experience.

        The 5 PP that is per move first and then it refresh each transform being in the hockey game ditto has an unlimited resource lots of players for refreshing.

        HP I laugh here ditto could very well have been a mew in gen 1 when caught in transform mode thus keeping its HP according to mews level and HP no less then 100

        Now the stats, moves, species, cry, type and current modifications all change with transforming . Does jynx have unlimited PP does it have all the ability of target. Since there was no stipulation I even made the HP as I see fit based according to your Jynx’s estimated level as it would pertain to a mew caught in wild in transformed mode.

        You actually need rules before hand I could have just ended everything with mew and straight 100s that has same ability as ditto with transform that would have been to easy.

        Your mistake was weeding out non ice types but forgot to look at pyschic and normal have no draw backs with ice.

  • jasken

    My good sir, Maggotcrap (Magikarp) might singlehandedly be the only Pokemon dumb enough to sign with the leafs but even then when it comes to signing his contract he’ll use splash and destroy the contract, and not being able to sign Maggotcrap would mean no Pokemon would even consider signing with the leafs. And that would mean that we just got zubated without there being a zubat present. This just shows how pathetic the leafs are.

  • jasken

    Great stuff, although bulbasaur would’ve been my pick. Not only is he a dinosaur lookin’ guy, but he’s got a big garlic bulb on his back. And I think he shoots vines?


    Clearly you’ve forgotten the finest Pokemon from my youth. A forward line of Caillou, Polkaroo and Mr. Snuffleupagus has speed, size, skill and a level of compete beyond any of these pretenders. With Newton and Toot on D and Hercules donning Daedulus’s helmet between the pipes, there’s a lineup like the ’84 Oilers. Sign Rocket Robin Hood and his Merry Men to minimum contracts to round out the team and you’ve got Friar Tuck to back up Herc. We be good.

  • Maximum Taco

    There is only one correct answer when picking a team of 6 Pokemon for any purpose, from Hockey to frustrating everyone you battle against, and that is to pick a team of 6 Dragonites.

    Cause Dragonites are the best at everything.