My Leafs Nation Christmas Wish List

With Christmas upon us I wanted to leave the big guy, (Santa Claus, not Dustin Byfuglien) my wish list:

Randy Carlyle – The first thing Carlyle needs is a toaster that works. He also needs a healthy Dave Bolland and an offence that produces more than two goals per game. He needs to have all markers, pens and any other writing material taken away from him, thus preventing him from ever making Morgan Rielly a healthy scratch ever again.

Dave Nonis – A number one centre. A dose of reality before handing Dion Phaneuf a 7-year contract. An extra $15 million dollars on the salary cap. He needs the Bruins, Lightning and Canadiens to all go on a prolonged losing streak in the New Year. In short, he needs a Christmas miracle.

Joffrey Lupul – A priest to perform an exorcism on his equipment. There must be some sort of curse on Lupul’s gear, how else to do you explain his inability to stay healthy? I said it on Twitter the other night; if Lupul could ever find a way to stay healthy he would own this town.

Phil Kessel – A hot streak to kick off the new year. I don’t care if Kessel says two words to the media, just as long as he keeps scoring goals. Guys like Lupul, JVR and others can deal with the media; all I want Kessel to worry about is dangling in the opposition zone and unleashing that lethal shot by unsuspecting goalies. To paraphrase Glengarry Glen Ross; ABS, Alway Be Scoring.

Dion Phaneuf – Unless Santa Claus can give him PK Subban’s skating ability there shouldn’t be much on Phaneuf’s wish list. Even if the Leafs decided not to do it, Phaneuf is going to cash in on another fat contract this summer. You can hate on Phaneuf all you want, that dude is going to get paid this summer.

JVR – A return to the torrid pace he was on in October. With seven goals and 13 points van Riemsdyk was a bitch to play against in October. How about some more of that in the New Year please?

David Clarkson – A DVD of his 2011-12 season with the Devils. Clarkson scored 30 goals that year and then went on to score another 12 points the Devils run to the Cup Final. I want that Clarkson returned to the Leafs Nation, no the imposter currently sucking $5.25 million dollars out of Toronto’s salary cap.

Morgan Rielly – For Randy Carlyle to get off of his back and allow him to grow and evolve into the defenceman that he is capable of.

Cody Franson – A hyperbaric chamber. Franson will need one with all of the ice time he is going to log in the New Year.

Nazem Kadri – A repeat of the sick numbers Kadri put up in February of 2013. In 14 games Kadri had nine goals and 18 poionts. For the Leafs to avoid the abyss they are heading towards Kadri needs to rekindle the scoring touch that led to his being named the NHL’s third star for the week of March 25th.

Mason Raymond – Whatever the hell he wants. The biggest bargain on the Leafs roster, Raymond has been a great addition to the team.

Dave Bolland – A Titanium lined Kevlar sock that protects him from any wayward skate once he gets back to the line-up.

Tyler Bozak – A Metallica box set. It is time to ditch Miley Cyrus from the Leafs dressing room. Now there are those who want Bozak ditched from the Leafs dressing room. But even Santa Claus couldn’t pull off that one.

Paul Ranger – A permanent seat in the Leafs press box as a healthy scratch every game the rest of the season.Think of all the quality popcorn he will get to eat every night.

Colton Orr and Frazer McLaren – A trade. As this season evolves it is clear that there isn’t enough room on the Leafs roster for both of them. Not when the Leafs are struggling to produce offence on a nightly basis. Nonis and Carlyle have to decide which one of them is the most expendable, and then ship them out of town. Merry bleeping Christmas boys, but one of you has to go.

James Reimer – A Randy Carlyle voodoo doll. Every time Carlyle gives him the hook Reimer can start sticking pins into the doll. Barring that Reimer needs to string three or four quality starts together so he can really stick to the man (Carlyle).

Jonathan Bernier – A long and glorious run in the post-season. Nothing will endear Bernier to the Leafs Nation like leading the team to play-off series win or two.

The long suffering Leafs Nation – Another playoff berth for the Leafs. As painful as that game seven nightmare against the Bruins was, damn, it was good to see the Leafs in the playoffs again. Toronto and the entire GTA is a better place to live when the Leafs are in the post-season.

Steve Dangle – A new Christmas sweater. Sweet Jesus that thing is ugly. I am sure Momma Dangle is a fine lady, but that sweater is uglier than Jason Allison on a shoot-out.

Cam Charron – Dinner with Glenn Healy. I would pay the bill just to watch the HBO 24/7 footage of the two of them interacting over a nice Merlot.